Curious George on Parenting

Our buddy Carol has this advice for parents -- Remember they are little:

"George promised to be good. But it is easy for little monkeys to forget."
Curious George by Margaret & H.A. Rey

This goes along with my advice to parents -- Remember that they're space aliens.

Light blogging today on account of Christmas Pageant

You always expect elementary school musicals to be kinda bad, so I was in for quite a surprise tonight. It went so far beyond bad. De Sade should have devoted one of his 120 Days of Sodom to this acoustic torture. Even more cruel than the relentless solos was the fact that it's a Fundie-Mennonite school -- everyone in the audience was facing this stone sober. Words fail me.

The only bright spots in the thing were the two stars watching over the shepherds. My kids were cute.

Borscht and Praying

All of my boys wish they were back in Ukraine. Calvin, my newly-minted five-year-old just told me:

"You know my two frave-rit things? Borscht and praying."

My boys' first fishing trip

We had the perfect Saturday this week. My dad and I took them on their first fishing trip. My sister-in-law's people own 1500 acres on the Myakka River, so we had a great spot for the outing. Not only did we catch plenty of bluegill and bass, but the boys got to see alligators, egrets, great blue herons, a paint pony, and lots of cows.

It was great to see their wonderment at the whole thing. Their idea of woods has been the chestnut trees lining main street in Kiev. At their age I was running wild in the Pennsylvania forests and corn fields -- hunting groundhogs and catching racoons with my grandfather, picking blackberries and fishing for eels. Some of my first memories are wandering the hay fields while my dad collected the bales. It was great.

Writing this, I'm thinking I need to get them in the Boy Scouts.

Finding yourself? Or your ideal self?

I've been thinking a lot about adolescence this week, for some reason. Today I was reflecting on the way adolescents are expected to 'find themselves.'

I don't want to diminish this in any way. It's an incredibly introspective time where we really are trying to define ourselves and our place in the world. Even the most loyal child goes through a process of either personalizing or rejecting inherited beliefs.

At least from my experience, I didn't find myself in my teenage years. I found my ideal self. In the end, I made a lot of hugely important decisions based not on who I actually am, but who I wanted to be.

The twenties were when I really found myself. In some small instances I grew into the person I wanted to be. In most cases, however, it was a process of painful de-illusioning (though not disillusionment) whereby I figured out whom God had created me to be. I'm enjoying the advent of my 30s having found some measure of rest from the searching.

Was it this way for anyone else?

kids grow up so fast today?

This phrase is an automatic response whenever two people discuss the wacky antics of today's precocious young thugs. It has to be the silliest bit of conventional wisdom since, "Of course he just wants the Sudetenland."

If they thought about it a moment, does anyone truly believe kids grow up fast these days?

Truth is, they often don't grow up at all. Arrested adolescence can extend well into one's fifties. Scope the local biker bar or think back to the Clinton White House for examples. Kids of the previous three generations can't imagine the responsibilities children had when America was an agrarian and industrializing nation.

Jaded and prematurely sexualized does not equate to grown up. Often, it's quite the opposite.

Kids, Casual Cruelty, and Childlike Faith

I think the only people who really idealize children are those who've never had them and have successfully repressed all memory of middle school. I can't comprehend the Rousseauist cult of the child. Children are capable of the most casual acts of cruelty. If adults tormented each other the way children do, our murder rate would treble in a week. The ants around my childhood home still frighten their larvae with stories about my old magnifying glass.

But kids are cool. It's a cliche that to be a great writer one has to reawaken his childlike imagination. But it's so true. I watch my kids, and envy their ability to construct the most elaborate ideas out of nothing. The four of them sit up in bed each night telling each oher stories in the Otherworld. This is a world populated by Johnny Beans (Beings), Tennyson, Calvin and Reagan Beans. It's a world with three trillion blue whales. The scope of the place is unimaginable for an oldster like myself.

When I think of having 'the faith of a child', I've always thought in terms of the child's ability to believe with his whole heart. And I think that's part of it.

I think now that imagination plays into it as well. What if my view of God, of holiness, and of his role in my life was as expansive as the Otherworld? Imagine the possibilities.

Why didn't anyone warn me?

Each of our boys has come to me in the past week or so just breaking down in tears. They were convinced that they had no friends, that the rest of the family doesn't like them. . . Normal kid growing-up stuff, but for them it was the end of the world.

I'm sure I'm not the first person to make the analogy, but being a parent is like having an exposed nerve from the day your child comes into the world. Worse, there's absolutely nothing you can do to cover this nerve up. When they hurt, you hurt, and there's so little you can do to prevent it. Having lived and been homeschooled in Ukraine for most of their lives, this is their first year in the 'real' world. I miss our happy Slavic bubble.

The rights and responsibilities of the potty break

I have four boys at home -- ages 9, 7, 6 and 4. I took our nation's birthday as a chance to teach them about rights and responsibilities. For every right which God has given to us comes a corresponding duty on our part to use it properly.

For our example, I chose the ability to pee standing up.

So I explained to them that this ability was a great blessing, one they would only appreciate after years of road trips, football games and camping expeditions. And that with great power comes great responsibility. In this case, accuracy. (Lately they've been the urinary equivalent of SCUD missiles.)

They now understand it's their patriotic duty to keep America beautiful. Or their bathroom floor, at least.

De Facto Baby Sprinklers

Jared at Mysterium Tremendum and Dead Man Blogging are both wrestling with the covenant infant baptism issue. I especially value Jared's post for his honesty and vulnerability in writing it.

Someone recently rediscovered this thread here, so I thought I'd repost it. It's NOT about covenant infant baptism, but about the presuppositions of people who reject it.

Original Post:

"The LORD is far from the wicked: but he heareth the prayer of the righteous." -Prov 15:29

I'm thankful that Christian parents that aren't Reformed are healthier in their practice than in their beliefs. Because while they claim credobaptistic principles, on a functional level they operate as if they were Covenantalists.

Because in their view, there's generally no difference in the spiritual status of their young children than that of the neighborhood drug pusher. Both are equally out of fellowship with God and with no place in either the church or the covenant. They're both "the wicked."

If they practiced what they believe, they could never pray wth their children, or sing to the Lord with them. For what spiritual fellowship could Christian parents have with those still dead in sin and rebellion against God? If the children have no intercessor in Christ, and no position within the Covenant, by what right do they come before God in prayer?

But they do have a right. And these children do have a position in the Covenant, whether baptized or not. God promised the New Covenant would be for us, and for our children. So these parents ARE justified in doing these things. They just seem to be intellectually dissonant when doing so.

I'm interested to hear from some of the Evangelicals here. If you don't take a Reformation view of things (regardless of your view on covenant infant baptism), on what basis do you pray and worship with your pre-"Sinner's Prayer" children?

Keywords: baby sprinkling, covenant infant baptism, covenant theology

Keywords: Infant baptism, baby sprinkling, covenant infant baptism

Defending America

Johnny, my eight-year-old, is the only one of my kids with any memory of the United States. He's pretty intensely patriotic.

Yesterday I mentioned to him that many Ukrainians think that Americans don't know how to eat properly, that we only dine at McDonalds.

He huffed and shook his head in exasperation. "That's totally not true. Americans eat at Pizza Hut too!"

Ezzo's Spanking Fetish

TulipGirl has posted some eye-opening quotes by "Christian" lifestyle guru Gary Ezzo on the subject of punishment and spanking. The guy devoted three chapters to spanking in his book. I'll write up some of my own thoughts on discipline of children in the future, but for today let's look at the Gary:

"A child knows when he has broken the rules, and his guilt continually reminds him of his violation. Guilt is the reminder of sin. Chastisement (Ezzo's term for spanking) is the price paid to remove the guilt thus [sic] free the child from his burden. If the parents do not remove the guilt, the child lives under the weight of sin. When an offense calls for chastisement, parents should chastise. If they substitute a lesser punishment, the guilt remains, and the child will suppress it. That, in turn, leads to more antisocial behavior." (GKGW p. 212)

Can you imagine? Maybe we're quirky, but in our family we rely on the blood of Christ to remove our children's guilt. And their sense of guilt as well. When they sin, there are sometimes consequences. But we have no delusions that these consequences cleanse them of guilt. We point them to Jesus for that.

You can see here that Ezzo's program doesn't truly view children as people. Why is it in his system that adults don't need to be physically hurt in order to be cleansed of guilt, but children do?

TulipGirl and I accept a Calvinistic view of life, which includes a belief that our children are in covenant with God. So we treat them not as Pavlovian sub-humans in need of conditioning, but rather as sinners in need of grace and sanctification. Works in progress. Just as we are ourselves.

Here's Gary's take:

"We cannot make a true comparison between a child's disobedience towards his parents and the parents' disobedience toward God. God does not deal with us on the basis of what we do, but on the basis of what Christ has done." (GKGW, p 317)

Lastly, this is interesting:

"The job of a parent is to transform the heart from what it is to what it should be." (GKGW p 308)

Actually, Gar, that would be the Holy Spirit's job.

Ezzo and the "Secular Mystics"

A demagogue thrives on scaring his target group and then offering himself as the only route to safety.

Is the Man keeping you down? Are you being crucified on a cross of Gold? Are they trying to integrate your high school?

The Reverend Al Willam Jennings Wallace can help. And only he can help you.

Ezzo does the same thing. He creates a false dichotomy in which there are only two choices -- "God's Way" or the "secular mystics." You're either following his parenting program, or you default to the world of Freud, Spock and Woodstock. Your kid is either "bad Stevie" or "good Ryan."

This is, of course, bunk. There are a ton of other approaches to parenting out there that are consciously Christian. Or one could actually *gasp* just rely on the Bible and the wisdom of more experienced parents in your life.

He generates loyalty and sales through these fear tactics. Like all good demagogues.

TulipGirl is doing some great posts right now that illustrate this approach. Check out: What Ezzo Says About Me. . . and What Ezzo Says About My kids. . .

the gift of fatherhood

I'm only halfway into Dr. Aaron Hass's The Gift of Fatherhood, but I'm digging it so far. There's nothing paradigm shifting in the book itself -- just basic common-sense advice on being a dad. But it does have a lot of good, practical thoughts.

"Men feel good about themselves because of what they achieve. Men derive a sense of satisfaction from the status they attain . . You don't get recognized by your peers for being a good father. . . Becoming a better father requires an examination and reconsideration of the forces which have shaped our male ideal. Indeed, you must perceive fathering as a noble endeavor, one which enhances your humanity and uniquely enriches the lives of your sons and daughters whom you cherish deeply."

While the book is secular, this thought reminded me of our injunction not to be "conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." It's easy to slip into valuing things the world esteems, rather than the things which really matter.

The Ezzo Cult

One of the things cults pass on to their members, besides bad hairdos, is a sort of us-against-the-world mentality. Because the other 99.999999999% of the world lacks the special gnosis of the cult, there's no way outsiders can possibly have legitimate questions or points. Add in a persecution complex, and you end up with a group of followers that's insulated from contrary opinions, and easily controlled by the cult leader.

You can see these cultic tendencies among the hard-core Gary Ezzo followers. In our old (non-Presbyterian) church, you couldn't put your child in nursery unless you'd been through Ezzo's course. Parents wouldn't let their kids play with non-Ezzoed kids, and wouldn't hang out with non-Ezzoed parents.

Online the tendencies are even more distinct. Most any parenting forum or mailing list allows free and open discussion. You'll spend a long time trying to find an Ezzo one that does. "Heretical" thoughts are censored faster than you can say Comstock.

Apparently the blogosphere is no exception. TulipGirl visited an Ezzo-blog the other day and left a perfectly friendly comment. Here's what was left after small minds were finished with it.

On a related note, this is one thing that separates Christianity from the world of the cults. Thanks to a belief in common grace, we believe that non-Christians can have plenty of good insight, ideas and legitimate questions -- even if we don't always ACT with that sort of humility.

daddy bragging and good news about Tennyson

Johnny gave me a very serious look at bedtime and said, "I have a theological thought."

"Uh-huh?"

"It's silly when people worship other people, because really all they're worshiping is a broken image of God."

He gets his theological bent from his mom -- she goes through Berkhof's Systematic Theology for light bedtime reading. Brains are the ultimate beauty accessory in a woman.

Good news about Tennyson! He's back home with us, piled up with the rest of my yellow-haired monkeys. . . A few days of antibiotics and he should be good as new. Thanks to everyone who remembered him in their prayers.

Pray! Sick kiddo here. . .

I came home from work today to find that Tennyson, my seven year old, was having trouble breathing. He'd had a cough for a few days, but since it's winter we'd assumed it was a cold. It took a more serious turn today.

They've admitted him to a research hospital, and x-rays confirmed he has pneumonia. The Duchess is with him now -- we'll be alternating shifts there for the next 5-7 days. There's a possibility we'll need to evacuate him to a country with a more modern health system.

He was pretty scared when we said goodbye this evening. Please be in prayer both for his health and for his time in the hospital. Also pray for me as I navigate the medical establishment here, which is still more than a little Soviet. Thanks.

Children are Aliens

The best bit of parenting advice I ever received was this -- "think of your children as aliens from another planet."

This has been so beneficial to me over the years. They've only recently arrived here in this world, and they simply don't know how it works yet. The rules of tact and normative behavior are clear to you and me. They're still feeling things out.

I think often we're too quick to assume bad motives in kids when they make a mistake -- especially when they say or ask inappropriate things. Rather than assume sinful motives, I'm trying these days to see things first from their perspective.

Sometimes discipline is needed. But often they just need help acculturating to life here on planet earth.

The Cult of the Child

Many people have bought into the Rousseauist fiction that natural equates to better. I refer here not to organically-grown tomatoes, but to society. A quick break-down of the mentality would look like this:

Spontaneity, informality, nonconformity, nature, and license = GOOD

Tradition, formality, conformity, civilization and restraint = BAD

These people often seem to idealize children. Not flesh and blood children, mind you, of which they have few. But the idea of the Child – free of repression and societal mores, untainted by civilization.

They are right on one count – children are a reflection of Man in the state of nature. But it’s a Hobbesian sort of nature. Children, while sweet, are selfish, greedy, prone to anger and quick to violence. No one teaches them to lie. Deny a boy a toy gun and he’ll make one from his Zweiback. Fairy tales are filled with cruelty and morbidity.

I don’t think it’s society that makes criminals so much as a lack of society – criminality comes easily; it’s the virtues that come through socialization.

Sex-Ed, repressed authoritarian style. . .

One of the bad habits of many Evangelicals is to live up to the worst stereotypes the secular world can think up for us. For example, the idea that we're repressed, think sex is dirty, and leave our children in ignorance of the basic medical facts about sex. I always thought these were figments of bigoted imaginations.

Then I met Gary Ezzo and his parenting ministry business.

We've written about the cultic tendencies of his group and the medical dangers of the infant program. We even did up a Real Ultimate Power site for him -- Real Ultimate Ezzo!

His sex-ed program is even loopier. He tells parents not to give any details about sex, and to only use "flower analogies" in place of actual bodily descriptions. The word "penis" is forbidden, because it will destroy the child's innocence. Parents are told to discipline an 18-month-old for exploring his/her own body.

"How about preparing one's child for marriage? GFI states that no sex education is to be provided outside of the flower metaphor, believing that the couple will discover the realities on their own."

Saner heads point out that this is basically a formula for sexual dysfunction later in life. It also endangers these children, because they have no concept or even vocabulary to understand what's happening, should a predator approach them.

As with most aspects of his teachings, Ezzo's teaching run counter to medical science, the Word of God, and basic common sense.

Gary Ezzo is Real Ultimate Power! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

You may have heard the rumors flying around that Ninjas are the Ultimate Power, but that's bunk. So I've put together a webpage of my own to spread the truth --

Gary Ezzo is REAL Ultimate Power!!!!!!!!

Ezzo Exposé!

Everybody's fave twice-excommunicated, authoritarian parenting demagogue is back, and he's starring in a new Channel 7 exposé! That's right, WXYZ in Detroit has beamed some light into the dark crevasses of Gary Ezzo's ministry for-profit corporation.

"It is dangerous to do it the way he describes," Pediatrician Dr. Rosemary Shy says of Ezzo's technique. "It puts these babies at risk for jaundice, at risk for dehydration, and at risk for failing to thrive, all of which we’ve seen."

We've seen it too -- in our firstborn. Ezzo is unhealthy for children and other living things.

Update! Just watched the video feed, and there's going to be a second installment tomorrow. Ezzo refused to talk to Steve Wilson, the reporter, but Steve has announced that he had a producer and hidden camera "inside." Can't wait to see what that means.

Awareparent.Net -- Your New Source for Ezzo-Fisking!

One of the sociological marks of a cult is a tendency among the leadership to insulate the flock from outside debate or "contamination." I'm sure that has NO BEARING on why all the pro-Ezzo discussion boards and online groups seem to be heavily censorial and ban anyone who raises objections.

On the other hand, Ezzo critics welcome discussion and debate. I'm very happy to announce a new parenting board, AwareParent.net. It's conceived as a forum "for friendly discussion and debate regarding Ezzo parenting philosophies."

A great source for info on excommunicated 'Christian' demagogues; de-Ezzoing; and more info on breastfeeding than I ever wanted to know. . . I'm also happy to say that the freak factor is very low on the board. The discussion is civil, intelligent, and fact-checked.

3rd Culture Kids

One of the things they warn you about when going into our line of endeavor, is that your kids won't fully belong to any one culture. They'll exist more or less in both your homeland's way of life, and that of your host country. They call these children "third culture kids." Every once in a while I get a glimpse of it. For example, the day Tennyson found a quarter and announced, "Look everybody, an American kopeck!"

Today Johnny excitedly explained this game some American girls had taught him. With no sense that such a thing is widespread back home, he told us quite solemnly, "They call their game 'dodgeball.'" I was reminded of Dr. Evil making quotation marks in the air and saying, "It's a thing I've chosen to call a LASER."

Addendum- Sorry to anyone waiting for a response on past threads. Occupied with both real life work and a familial re-enactment of the Black Plague. Fun.

Homebirthing and Other Evangelical Tribal Customs

I mentioned homebirthing on another thread, and Autmom and I got to talking. It struck me that the Duchess and I have personally experienced about every option a couple has for bringing children into the world. Here's an overview:

1. With Johnny we had a Janet Reno-lookalike at a birthing center. The Duchess's labor ran to 36 hours though, so we ended up in a nice hospital in Sarasota, FL.

2. Next, for Tennyson, we had an AWESOME midwife named Veronica who formerly smuggled Bibles into the USSR with Brother Andrew. This was in a posh hospital in Los Gatos, CA.

3. Next, for Reagan, came a bizarre midwife cum horse doctor who wore yellow shooter's goggles even indoors, looked something like Frankenstein's less graceful sister, and told us flatly that if her mare went into labor the same day as the Duchess (which was a real possibility), then we'd be without a midwife. We dropped her and an old friend from the Duchess's pro-Life activism days stepped in. She did a great job. This was in San Angelo, TX. This was a homebirth.

4. Lastly, for Calvin, we had Tavish. This was in Columbia SC. She was the most hippiesh "women who run with the wolves" of all of them, but a Christian. We were in language school preparing to come to Ukraine, and so he was born in a trailer next to the campus of Columbia Int'l Uni.

In all of these, I was really involved. At times I envied my forefathers who paced outside and gave out cigars. There is much about the female anatomy I would have been content to spent many more years not knowing. But it was a blessed experience, and something I'll never forget. I'm practically the first doula in history with XY chromosomes.

Kids and the Big City

It's great raising kids in a big city. Other than Sarasota, FL, which has all the cultural and educational opportunities of a city ten times its size, I wouldn't want to bring them up anywhere but the center of a large metropolis. There's the energy and variety of people, the puppet theatres, opera houses, ballets, live theatres, galleries, outdoor concerts, city celebrations, parades, libraries and countless other things I never knew existed when I lived in rural Pennsylvania.

Nevertheless, every choice made closes off other opportunities. My first ten years were spent deep in the countryside of Lancaster. Most of my neighbors were Amish. It's sad that my boys will probably never spend their afternoons building forts in the woods, catching eels under the old bridge, and waving to the Amish kids as the buggy drives by. Living on the 15th floor, they won't know how good the breeze smells on a summer night blowing in through your window, the sounds of crickets, or the constellations of lightning bugs on a darkened lawn.

Like many MKs, they'll grow up knowing three or more languages, and hopping national boundaries with the mental ease that we drive through States. The city also gives them a wider selection of friends than I had -- the wild Olzcwieski kids next door. But it's sad they won't have that poignant sense of place that comes from a childhood in the country.

A Mixed Blessing, But a Pretty Cool One

Since the boys were little, I've been telling them bedtime stories. These are inevitably titled The Four Brave So and Sos. They've been everything from crewmen with Captain Cook, to Continental Regulars, to Saxon warriors. Our newest series is The Four Brave Presbyterians, and has them running around Scotland with John Knox, struggling with the Papists for the soul of the nation.

My all-time favorite is The Four Brave Calvinist Ninjas. Admittedly, it wasn't easy telling that one with a straight face. They were part of a clan whose daimyo and household had converted after a visit by Dutch merchants and missionaries, and then had to face the wrath of Hideyoshi after his ban on Christianity. I'm planning a sequel to that one.

Parenting is a (Mixed) Blessing

Amy, from Amy Loves Books, has written a remarkably transparent post about some of her struggles as a mom. While I'm from the other half of the parenting equation, I could relate to a lot of it. I was 21 when my first son was born, 26 when the fourth arrived. I was, putting it mildly, not fully prepared for this challenge. Nor could I have been.

One thing I love about Evangelicalism is that it is so child-affirming. Parenting is honored, encouraged, and held up as a vital part of the 'good life.'

One fact we often don't share with young couples is this, however -- There are few unmixed blessings in a fallen world. Being a parent is hard.

Just as with anything else that's worthy or good in life, it comes with built-in struggles. My marriage is a great joy to me. It's also a commitment to live with, sacrifice for and love someone who is at times jarringly different from myself. Look also at the Christian life -- the greatest joy, but also a call to persecution, self-abnegation and the constant, painful awareness of our own sinfulness.

Like Amy, we had read our little full-quiver book and were ready to give Mary Pride a run for her homebirthing, homeschooling money. Some days, though, mediocrity would have been a real achievement for me.

We've since come through that time, and our life and parenting have a good rhythm now. But our family will (thankfully) never fit in comfortably with the Blue Denim Jumper Mafia.

Evangelicalism does a good job of warning young people that marriage is tough. We need to do the same for childrearing. And in some churches, it wouldn't hurt to put out the message that not all parents are going to be, in Amy's memorable phrase, "the local La Leche League chairwoman, and . . . bake bread and quilt in my spare time."

Note- I mean 'mixed' from a human perspective. Of course, in the Providence of God, all of these enumerated struggles work for our sanctification, as people who 'love God and are called according to His purpose.'

Two From Tulipgirl

Good stuff from the Duchess today. First, she's posted her Confessions of a Failed Babywiser in its new Russian translation. Check it out here.

For those not familiar with Babywise, it's marketed by 'Christian' demagogue Gary Ezzo. It's the secularized version of Growing Kids God's Way, which I guess makes it Growing Kids Comte's Way. . .

Also, she turned me on to this:

Follow the herd:
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.

My nearest book is. . . Literature and the American College -- Irving Babbitt

"I am narrowing down," pursued Harvey; "once I had tremendous visions -- dreamt of holding a half a dozen civilizations in my hand."

It was a JOKE, people!

My buddy Ryan, author of the much-acclaimed Courtship Pick-Up Lines, sent me a sobering email:

"I'm glad you liked the courtship pick-up lines. On a sad note, several guys have asked for copies of the lines in all too serious tones of voice and with that far-away look in their eyes that only single guys can have. I may have inadvertently caused the lameness in the Christian ghetto to increase."

Courtship Pick-Up Lines!

These were thought up by my good buddy Ryan and his pals back in sunny Florida. Watching the sleet run down my windows, I'm a bit envious of them right now.

For those not in the Christian ghetto, you have to know some militant courtshippers to appreciate these lines.

Top 10 Courtship Pick-Ups:

10. "So I talked to your dad last night..."

9. "I lost my phone number. Maybe through a purposeful relationship, we can find out if I'm supposed to have yours."

8. "Your Bible...or mine?"

7. "We're perfect for each other. Our parents have so much in common!"

6. This one comes right out of the book of Song of Solomon, "You're so, so, how can I say this biblically? Your teeth are like a flock of ewes that have come up from the washing...Your hair is like a herd of goats running down a mountain!"

5. "Do your feet hurt? 'Cause you've been running through God's plans for me all eternity long!"

4. "Let's get our siblings together and go out sometime."

3. "I can't wait to see what you look like at 50."

2. "Your modesty's showing."

1. "My parents are back in town. Wanna come over?"

CRI's Analysis of the Ezzos

Thought today would be a nice one to mention the Christian Research Institute's analysis of the Ezzo's approach to parenting. Especially interesting is the section entitled, "The question of cultic behavior."

"While some are using the term cult to categorize GFI, in our estimation this is clearly not warranted. Unfortunately, however, GFI's behavior does parallel the characteristics of cults in significant ways, including the following:

1.) Scripture twisting and de facto assertion of extrabiblical revelation. Scripture is often used without regard to context to justify unbiblical or extrabiblical doctrines. Teachings not found in the Bible (on child rearing) are accorded the status of divine revelation ("God's way"). Theological confusion and legalism follow from these abuses.

2.) Authoritarianism. The Ezzos' word on parenting seems to close the matter irrespective of the evidence. . . The Ezzos appear to be unaccountable to anyone outside their own group and to suppress any attempt to question them from within the group.

3.) Exclusivism. The Ezzos are considered virtually the only ones who are teaching biblical truth on their subject. . . In fact, Christian outsiders are sometimes viewed and treated as sub-Christian.

4.) Isolationism. Members of the GFI "community" have been shielded from teachings and opinions contrary to the Ezzo way. Full knowledge of GFI teachings has been withheld until after one becomes involved with the program.

5.) Physical and emotional endangerment. As an unintended but natural consequence of following GFI teachings, babies are sometimes left to cry for hours and some newborns are underfed and underdeveloped. Child development experts -- many of them Christians -- voice concern about the long-term effects of the program on children raised under it."

The Chivalric Synthesis

Growing up, C.S. Lewis's essay The Necessity of Chivalry helped form my idea of what manhood should look like. I looked for it online, but only found a brief overview here. Lewis "wrote that the disparate strands of manhood-- fierceness and gentleness--can find healthy synthesis in the person of the knight and in the code of chivalry. Here these competing impulses--normally found in different individuals--find their union.

"Were one of these two bents given full rein, the balance required for authentic Christian manhood would be lost. Strength and power, without tenderness, for example, give us the brute. Tenderness and compassion without masculine firmness and aggressiveness produce a male without the fire to lead or inspire others."

Now that God has given me four little men of my own to raise, I often think back to this essay. I'm trying to raise my boys within this same tension. Looking over some photos from France today, two of them seemed to capture this. One has them in Normandy, saluting in front of a German pillbox. The other is them with their favorite Degas sculpture at the Musee D'orsay -- The Little Dancer.

Is Homeschooling the Ideal?

While not the educational theorist the Duchess is, I've been giving some thought to homeschooling as a near-religion. I'm a great fan of home teaching. But while it is for many people simply a means of teaching their children, others seem to almost sacramentalize it. My aunt's ex-church had a large minority of such people. In fact, they were the ones who inspired me to coin the term "Blue Denim Jumper Mafia." They were so insular, and so intolerant of those who chose differently, that they sucked the life from their church. Eventually they decided that the rest of the parishioners were too worldly for their children to associate with, and they've since retreated into a monastic sort of home churching.

But are they right? Is homeschooling the one, true way? For awhile now I've thought that perhaps it isn't. If we believe that God gives different gifts and Callings to us all, then how can we tell parents that this is 'God's highest' for them? Do we really believe that every couple is gifted with the organizational, intellectual and educational giftings to teach effectively? And that each parent has this identical calling? (This is asked with the understanding that the responsibility for their children's education rests with the parents in the final sense.)

Further, if the church is a community of faith, then does atomistic homeschooling best reflect this aspect of the church? Don't we as Christians have a responsibility to the single parents, or to those who simply can't homeschool their children? And if God has uniquely gifted some in the church as teachers, or in areas of specific academic endeavor, aren't these gifts the province of the whole church, rather than exclusively familial?

Homeschooling has been a GREAT transitional period. Public school is no longer the automatic default when we decide where to educate our kids. But I wonder if a parent-directed co-op approach isn't in some ways superior. The pooling of resources and gifts seems a natural evolutionary step. A co-op I was involved with in Texas had a full orchestra, logic classes, a science lab, and a poli sci and current affairs guy -- me. (Imagine giving me free reign with the politics of middle schoolers. Needless to say, there are a few more conservatives in the world now...) Another option is a church-based Christian school with heavy parental involvement.

I'm not attacking homeschooling in any way. Some people are clearly called in that direction. And I haven't taken a firm position on this yet myself. But I'm curious -- is homeschooling the ideal?

Addendum- The Duchess wishes me to note that homeschooling IS the ideal in the early years, when education is more a matter of nurturing than hard-core academics.

Yeah, But What About Socialization?

Props to our friend Carol for turning us on to this fascinating research on homeschoolers. While not dogmatic about it, the Duchess and I are homeschooling our four boys. She herself was homeschooled, as were my sibs. I wasn't, and look how I turned out. This alone should be enough to convince you to teach your kids at home. If not, take a look at some of these stats:

Academic Attainment -- "In the general U.S. population in this age range (18-24), 46.2% had attained some college courses or higher; 74.2% of the home-educated had attained some college courses or higher."

Citizenship -- "71% of subjects were participating in any ongoing community service activity (e.g., coaching a sports team, volunteering at a school, or working with a church or neighborhood association), while 37% of similarly aged U.S. adults and 39% of all U.S. adults did so."

Faith and Religion -- 94% strongly agreed or agreed to the statement, "My religious beliefs are basically the same as those of my parents." Other data I've seen places it at 80% for Christians educated in public schools.

Happy With Homeschooling? -- "The findings regarding the participants' attitudes toward having been homeschooled are presented in tables and figures. On a 5-point scale (i.e., 1=Strongly Agree, 5=Strongly Disagree), the mean response to "I am glad that I was homeschooled" was 1.3. The mean response to "Having been homeschooled is an advantage to me as an adult" was 1.4."

Obviously whenever a research group has an axe to grind, we should take stats with a grain of salt. For example, the Alan Guttmacher Institute is operated by Planned Parenthood (not that the press generally mentions this when quoting its reasearch on "women's health" or abortion.) The same dynamic applies here. Nevertheless, the study should be encouraging to anyone teaching their children at home.

On Becoming BabyThugWise...

Frank York, Gary Ezzo's former Editorial Director, just emailed the Duchess with the latest from everybody's favorite "Christian" parenting guru. The GKGW types have never shown an ounce of respect for alternate views or input. Try finding a pro-Ezzo message board that isn't heavily censored, if you disagree with me. Ezzo, and those who propagate his teachings, divide the world into those who follow his teachings and those who slavishly follow "secular mystics." We literally weren't allowed to put our children into the church nursery at the Calvary Chapel we attended, until after we'd attended Ezzo classes. Presumably our infant would have infected the other children with secular mysticism.

Now it seems Ezzo intends to use the strong arm of the law to silence criticism. His corporation recently began an aggressive sales campaign in Australia, and is meeting a fair amount of resistance from level-headed Ozzies. Apparently, using lawsuits to freeze out opposition comes under the rubric of a "higher moral standard."

Here's a press release that summarizes the dispute. Given Ezzo's thuggish approach to debate and disagreement, this seems like par for the course.

Ezzo -- Unhealthy For Children and Other Living Things

We at Le Sabot take an almost childlike joy in poking fun at Gary Ezzo's self-important public persona. Bemused satire is the proper response when confronted with his brand of bombast and manipulation.

Today, however, I'd like to share a little of WHY Alexandra and I went from being GFI small group leaders to being outspoken critics of Ezzo's ministry corporation. The Duchess has chronicled our story in the hopes that other parents won't inflict the same physical and emotional nightmare we put our first child through. If you're considering using Babywise or Prep for Parenting, or know someone who is, please at least read Confessions of a Failed Babywiser.

I'd also recommend Ezzo.info, which includes material by a former senior staffer of GFI and the organization's former primary lactation consultant. Both came to see the medical dangers of the materials and the theological and moral problems of the ostensibly Christian ministry. Ezzo.info also has a "Voices of Experience" section with the stories of other well-meaning parents whose children were harmed by following these materials.

Growing Kids Gary's Way

Good news for time-conscious American parents! Have kids suffering from sin natures? Tired of having to exercise discernment and show grace when disciplining? Fret no longer -- Now you can let a self-aggrandizing, twice excommunicated plagiarizer do it for you! That's right, Gary Ezzo, of the modestly-named Growing Kids God's Way program, has put together a "discipline flow chart" that lets you parent with all the compassion and personal touch of a Fortune 500 CEO. Don't think about it. In fact, don't think at all, just order yours today!

A Modest Question...

During our time in Paris, we were joined by a friend from the States. It was interesting how differently the women of France seemed to us -- our friend from a Missouri farm saw them as terribly racy, while Alexandra and I were struck by how dowdy they all looked. Coming from a country where Britney Spears outfits would seem matronly, France wasn't a shock. But it did set me to thinking.

I grew up around a fair number of Blue Denim Jumper Mafia types. Modesty was a word that was thrown around quite often, and the definition was just assumed. There was just a certain LOOK that everyone knew was Biblically-mandated. An accompanying assumption was that those not meeting the dress code were immodest and sinful.

Modesty is clearly a virtue. But it seems to me to be a culturally-relative one. In one land, it entails headcoverings for women and robes for men. In another, men must have a penile-gourd, or they are both immodest AND unfashionable. In Ukraine the standards for modesty and what is considered sexualized are different than in the States. For example, grape-smuggling bathing suits for men aren't daring or risque... they're basically obligatory up to the age of 85. (This is one cross-cultural test I will continue to fail. I'll always be a trunks man, myself.)

So what does it mean to be modest, and how do we ascertain it? What Biblical benchmarks do we have, and how do we apply them? I'm interested to hear your thoughts.

An Ozzie Overview

Last month I referenced an article by Matthias Media about Growing Kids God's (Gary's) Way. They've just posted Ellen Hrebeniuk's review of various Christian parenting books and programs--Tripp, Sears, Ezzo, and so on. What I especially liked about the article was that the author is from Australia, so her analysis is coming from outside the bound-in-a-nutshell world of American religion. Mme. Hrebeniuk has a very common sense approach to her subject, along with a healthy spiritual discernment. Check it out.

Community Activists in the Christian Ghetto

The inner-city has no shortage of well-meaning but self-righteous panacea peddlers who are sure that their federal program or militant organization is just the answer for the area's problems. The Christian ghetto seems overrun with the same sort these days. Whatever the pet issue might be--courtship, "couch-time", homeschooling, the newest Christian diet fad--these individuals are sure that it's just what the Christian ghetto needs to have some real urban renewal. And if you can't see it then you're "missing it," which is the Christian ideologue's equivalent to calling someone a reactionary.

Jenefer Igarashi, the editor of The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, captures this issue so well in her recent article, Why My Way is the Only Godly Way.

I especially like this:

"Then we should talk about modesty. I know everything there is to know about modesty on account of a book that I read at last year's Ladies Church Retreat. We should talk about it, because if you haven't read this book, then you have no idea how ungodly you probably are."

The Heart of a Soldier

I was reminded today of the Call given to men to be warriors. God gives them an inborn desire to protect the weak and strive valiantly against enemies. Legion are the well-meaning but misguided parents who deny their son war toys only to watch the tyke turn a piece of stale bread into a pistol.

My boys have followed the war avidly since the onset of hostilities. They've spent their free time pretending to alternately invade Iraq and France. But I hadn't realized how deeply Johnny, my 6 year old, was stirred by the fight. Today he came up to the Duchess and I and announced gravely, "I've written a war song."

He sang it to us in his thin little voice, the melody slow and elegaic:

"You'll never kill my brother,
No, you'll never kill my mother.
You'll never kill my sister,
and you'll never kill my father,
until you first kill me."

Afterward, he explained that he wasn't talking about his family, but about all the men and women in America, and the song was about the Army promising to protect everyone at home.

I can't remember ever being prouder to be his father.

PEZZO® -- Dispensing Candy-Coated Legalism Since 1984

***Warning: Not Suitable For Children Under 18***