I've been thinking a lot about adolescence this week, for some reason. Today I was reflecting on the way adolescents are expected to 'find themselves.'
I don't want to diminish this in any way. It's an incredibly introspective time where we really are trying to define ourselves and our place in the world. Even the most loyal child goes through a process of either personalizing or rejecting inherited beliefs.
At least from my experience, I didn't find myself in my teenage years. I found my ideal self. In the end, I made a lot of hugely important decisions based not on who I actually am, but who I wanted to be.
The twenties were when I really found myself. In some small instances I grew into the person I wanted to be. In most cases, however, it was a process of painful de-illusioning (though not disillusionment) whereby I figured out whom God had created me to be. I'm enjoying the advent of my 30s having found some measure of rest from the searching.
Was it this way for anyone else?
Posted by Discoshaman at novembre 26, 2005 12:28 AM | TrackBack
'Finding yourself' has always sounded like some strange out-of-body experience to me. It implies that the 'real me' is enshrouded in some opaque ephemeral cloud.
In my teenage years I was pretty certain about who I was and what I wanted to be. I felt the frustration of not being able to get there right then. I strove to be the ideal self I wanted, which was also what I thought God wanted me to be, but life threw me some pretty hard situations which disrupted my plans; challenged who I thought I was, both to God and myself; and left me having to find everything over again.
The effect this had on me was profound. I was gutted for a long time. I still experienced good things but I felt distant from the ideas I had as a child and teenager. Life got better for me again at about 25 when I realised that God had not abandoned me at all. That's when I truly found myself (again), but it was more like finding God. Although I always knew Him, I didn't know Him to be gutted with us when we feel the pain of this broken f----d up world. When I realised that He understands broken, torn, beaten, betrayed, etc I realised that perhaps the times when I thought my life was derailed by life's hellishness were in fact the times in which I was becoming me. The me God does want me to be. The one that He is still shaping me to be.
So while I was certain about who I was when I was younger, I spent some time being disillusioned (unlike Disco who experienced 'de-illusioning' I was pretty disillusioned - or grief stricken, perhaps both), but then found that I was still the person I had thought I was pre-turmoil, and was still being shaped by God (not abandoned) but He was just doing it in ways I did not expect. Since 25 life gets better every year. I am more certain about myself and who I want to be. I look forward to the 30s...
Posted by: missmellifluous at novembre 25, 2005 10:06 PMSomewhat. My late 20s-early 30s were the most illuminating period for me - I really grew up in those years more than I had in college and in the immediate post-college years. A large part of it was moving from Virginia to New Hampshire; I had to cut some of those apron strings from Mom and Dad and I also had to become truly reliant on God for All Things. Those 5.5 years were life changing and I think the best of my life as much as they were the hardest.
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Posted by: generic propecia canada at décembre 21, 2005 04:11 AMI'm 19 and i'm am still trying to find myself. I think that i have recently entered the inner turmoil stage of that journey. Right now i just feel disconnected from everything i thought i was and want to be. I am very stressed and that stress is manifesting itself physically now too. I hate being unsure of who i am and what i am supposed to do and who i am supposed to be with. I guess i don't feel "normal" and that's what i have wanted to be all of my life. Which is strange b/c i kind of pride myself on being different yet deep down I've always wanted to be like everyone else and have the same experiences.
I gonna stop writing now. Just wanted to chime in. I hope i find my way like you guys have. God Bless.
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