Each of our boys has come to me in the past week or so just breaking down in tears. They were convinced that they had no friends, that the rest of the family doesn't like them. . . Normal kid growing-up stuff, but for them it was the end of the world.
I'm sure I'm not the first person to make the analogy, but being a parent is like having an exposed nerve from the day your child comes into the world. Worse, there's absolutely nothing you can do to cover this nerve up. When they hurt, you hurt, and there's so little you can do to prevent it. Having lived and been homeschooled in Ukraine for most of their lives, this is their first year in the 'real' world. I miss our happy Slavic bubble.
Posted by Discoshaman at novembre 15, 2005 01:05 AM | TrackBack
The remedy is lots of hugs and a few close family friends. Of course, there is one friend that never abandons anyone...
in Mark 10:14 Jesus says, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these..."
my little ones love knowing this.
I yours settle in soon.
Posted by: missmellifluous at novembre 15, 2005 01:25 AMI'm sorry your boys have had some rough days. I remember those school days oh so well - lasted twelve years. Fortunately, my sister was homeschooled, and she did not have to deal with that on a daily basis. My children (oldest 12) have yet to feel that way. I disagree that it is "normal kid growing up stuff" and I disagree that school is the "real" world. I also do not believe we live in a bubble as homeschoolers. I am thankful we have this time to protect our children so they can grow and learn and thrive without peer-dependency.
Posted by: Carol at novembre 16, 2005 09:43 AMI'm glad we got that clarified, Carol. So sorry we don't live up to your standards.
Posted by: Discoshaman at novembre 16, 2005 09:54 AM
Carol,
Just one more thing. . .
If you'd taken the time to read my post, rather than jumping into homeschool advocacy mode, you would have noticed I mentioned that they even feel like THEIR OWN FAMILY doesn't like them sometimes. I assume your family is involved in your homeschool, or am I confused as to the meaning of home?
The bubble I was referring to was a happy missionary bubble where everyone they knew was either a missionary or someone involved in our church. Every adult they knew was an 'aunt' or an 'uncle.'
Further, the idea that your kids have never felt as if the world is against them, or have never felt any of the myriad other childhood pains that I was alluding to, strikes me as crap.
I know we're old friends, but I can't stand self-righteous homeschoolers.
Posted by: Discoshaman at novembre 16, 2005 09:58 AMI definitely read your post before commenting. I assumed that feeling like "they had no friends and their own family doesn't like them sometimes" was something new that happened since school started. The feelings that would start with the friends would logically spread to the home.
When you said, "Having lived and been homeschooled in Ukraine", I assumed you meant that homeschooling was part of the bubble. Sorry.
I also am not sure exactly what childhood pains you were alluding to, I only reacted to what you said. And as I mentioned, I went to school myself, and I truly believe that schools are a much, much greater source of childhood pains.
You are right, I am very much a homeschool advocate, and I found it hard to see you send your boys to school.
I have no doubt that your four little boys have two of the best parents I have ever known, and I also believe you are following our Saviour's plan for you at this time.
I am sorry I commented, especially since I don't really know your reasons for stopping the homeschooling. It just seemed like the "nerve" you described would be much more exposed because of the school system.
Aren't we all a little self-righteous about issues that we care strongly about? This one goes so deep with me that I am sorry I am not more supportive. I should do better.
Posted by: Carol at novembre 16, 2005 11:26 AMI don't want to contribute to any unpleasantness here (which seems to be getting charitably resolved, thankfully), but I would like to add my two cents, as someone who has four homeschooled kids and one in school (who was homeschooled until this year.)
I think that while it is true that school aggravates issues about acceptance and so forth (and I, like Carol, spent 12 years feeling that way every single day), it's only possible to aggravate something that already exists. It IS normal kid growing up stuff -- in some cases, homeschooling is helping in dealing with it, but it doesn't make the reality that people feel unloved in a fallen world go away. It's that feeling that has to be dealt with; structuring situations so as to dampen the feeling (such as homeschooling) doesn't deal with the feeling. It might be good, and helpful, in many ways, to structure the situation that way, but not because it will ultimately shield us from the basic, sin-based (our own sins and others' sins) conflicts that human beings feel.
Having said that, I'm not advocating that you send your kids into situations that aggravate their problems because they have to be dealt with anyway. You do what is best given ALL the circumstances you have to deal with. A decision that aggravates problem A could still be the best because it more effectively addresses problems (or talents, or callings) B, C, and D.
I hate to sound like I'm talking down or lecturing; that's not what I mean to do. I'm just trying to get my thoughts out there. I guess my main point is that in this world, there isn't "a solution" to all the problems we have, and the fact that a certain choice creates a certain problem doesn't mean it's the wrong choice, because it might be the right one for a whole host of reasons. And the fact that a change in situations causes a Dad to lament a trouble his kids are going through doesn't mean that things should have been done differently -- it could mean that, but it could be that it is still the best decision that carries with it the downsides of a fallen world.
Posted by: pentamom at novembre 16, 2005 12:05 PMCarol-
"I assumed that feeling like "they had no friends and their own family doesn't like them sometimes" was something new that happened since school started."
Well, it was a wrong assumption. :)
"I also am not sure exactly what childhood pains you were alluding to, I only reacted to what you said."
I had said
"but being a parent is like having an exposed nerve from the day your child comes into the world."
Do children start school the day they enter the world?
"You are right, I am very much a homeschool advocate, and I found it hard to see you send your boys to school."
Yes, I'm familiar with homeschool advocates, and how hard it is for them to watch other families make their own choices in educating their children. And how nearly impossible it is for them not to make comments about it. I watched more than one church harmed by the Homeschool Mafia.
My aunt was a homeschool convention organizer in Illinois for many years. I watched her and her friends completely destroy their church by chasing off those not like-minded. Then they left as well to go home church.
If this doesn't apply to you, then that would be a happy thing.
I think part of the problem here was a misunderstanding about the nature of the post. This was an 'Ouch, it's so hard to raise kids in a fallen world. Especially now that we're in a new country with new life circumstances' post. It was not, 'I have problem X, please share with me your sure-fire panacea that I would be following if only I were good and wise enough.'
Pentamom and Carol-
Tomorrow, I'll probably regret having reacted so strongly. It's difficult to respond in mellow form when the subject under discussion is your own children. If you have anything else to add here, please do. Any further comments I have I'll send via email rather than in this open forum. Even if I have responded with some heat, Carol, I really do have tremendous affection and respect for you. Hopefully that will be decisive in this?
Posted by: Discoshaman at novembre 16, 2005 03:32 PMI absolutely do not want to upset anyone, but Disco, it doesn't get any better the older they get. My daughter got completely hammered by others when she went off to college and for bonus points, the only friend she had her freshman year was her roommate who was killed by a drunk driver! Fun times!
We cried, prayed, spent thousands on long distance and gas bills and finally she got grounded with all of this stuff in a fantastic church and I've been able to see God take her through these times and make her a very sweet and understanding girl.
And as so often happens, once she'd dealt with the problems of the world by trusting God, the church began to give her fits! Fun times! But again, God works all to his glory and has directed her through her troubles to a compassion for youth and into outreach and mentoring of junior high and high school kids in her church.
It has all worked out to make her into a better person and a much stronger Christian, but it is so very hard watching our children hurt and being helpless to immediately stop it! RIGHT NOW!!
Of course all we can do is trust God and pray. On the up side, He hasn't let me down so far. Best wishes for your sweet family!
Posted by: Lana at novembre 16, 2005 06:18 PMDisco,
I haven't checked in awhile and I was so happy to see you posting again. I miss you man! I miss those boys like crazy. Please tell them their Aunt Fluffy says hello and wishes she was close by to give each of them a big Fluffy hug and tell them I miss them like crazy.
Posted by: Aunt Fluffy at novembre 16, 2005 07:08 PMFluffy!
We miss you so much, pal. How's life treating you back in the States? Did you hear that Lauritchka is coming to see us for New Years? If you're in our area, drop in! Pina coladas for everybody. . . At any rate, come by Le Sabot often. We need to catch up.
I hugged the kiddos for you before school today, btw. :-)
Posted by: Discoshaman at novembre 17, 2005 09:28 AMToo bad Florida and Colorado aren't neighbors. I'm really craving one of the Dutchess's Pina Coladas. I wish I could join you all for New Years too. After the last two years i dont' know what I'll do with myself not having to try to fry pork and make exorbitant amounts of mashed potatoes and transport it a few blocks and up 15 floors to the ever welcoming coolest apartment in Xarkovska. Oh, the times we had. :-)
Posted by: Aunt Fluffy at novembre 17, 2005 12:16 PM