Le Sabot Post-Moderne

I used the Ezzo schedule for our daughter for feedings. It quite literally saved her life. Our pediatrician commended it and said that for her situation, that was absolutely the best thing we could have done for her.

All of these ideas have to be taken with a grain of salt. The problem is that many women who read these types of things (for a method, against a method, whatever) can't discern beyond the black-and-white-ness of what they are reading, they don't have the training and support from their husband and/or their church on how to discern these matters.

The best advice I've ever heard came from a brand-new friend with eight children. She said the worst thing she ever did was read a book about how to raise a child.

I wish I had not listened to any of my women friends in church and gone with my own instincts when it came to how to raise my daughter.

Posted by: Sarah at octobre 3, 2003 06:34 AM

Dear Sarah,

You have shared with me through e-mail some of the horrendous struggles you had with your daughter. and the early months of undiagnosed reflux. I cannot imagine the nightmare of trying to do everything you can and not knowing what is going on with an infant, like you went through.

From my understanding of what you shared before, it was finally getting the proper medication and an infant formula that agreed with your daughter that helped her start keeping down her food and gaining weight. I understand regular feedings are often the best things for infants with reflux--and your doctor would have recommended that for your daughter. However, you are misplacing your thanks when you credit the Ezzo schedule with "quite literally sav(ing) her life." Objectively, she was starving and not able to keep anything down /on the Ezzo schedule/ as you explained to me earlier--until she had the proper medication and proper formula.

It is harmful to recommend a book that has at least 35 instances of medical misinformation, when the good information you or other mothers may need can be found in other sources that are more medically reliable.

I am truly, truly sorry for the lack of support, the lack of understanding, and the lack of early diagnoses that made the early months with your daughter so stressful. And it sounds like your daughter has gone on to grow like a week and you've had much joy in motherhood.

Posted by: The Duchess at octobre 3, 2003 08:57 AM

I totally agree, Alexandra. Although he was referring to schools and colleges, I am reminded of a quote by Mark Twain, "When a man is buying a basket of strawberries it can profit him to know that the bottom half of it is rotten."

By the way, Alexandra, I believe just sharing your story is a ministry in itself. It is true that if we listen to our hearts, we will be better mothers, but we also NEED education.

Here are a few verses that are NOT Ezzo-style.

"As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." Isaiah 66:13

"The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all." Psalm 34:17-19 NIV

"Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice." Psalm 55:17

"The LORD is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them." Psalm 145:17-19 NIV

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18 NIV

Posted by: Carol at octobre 3, 2003 02:06 PM

I wonder if you found anything of value in the various GFI materials? While I no longer use or recommend GKGW or Prep (though I never had any problems with my milk supply), I still find myself remembering 2 things in particular. Gary's comments on the "preciousness of others" may seem obvious but it was an eye-opener to us. The other was a statement (this is probably not an exact quote; I think it was in the Prep book) - Love does what is right, not what is expedient. Again, obvious, but I find it coming to my mind frequently as I train my children.

I don't mean to defend Gary Ezzo (I like the chucklehead comment!) but I do have mixed emotions about the classes/books. The idea of scheduling was quite helpful to us but I never bought the "attachment parenting as sin" attitude. I didn't use the discipline flow chart but it did get me thinking about planning appropriate consequences vs. flying off the handle when irritated.

Well, this has grown longer than I intended so I'll stop now!

Liza, mother of
Katie (1991), Sarah (1993), Daniel (1994-2000: Cancer), Hannah (1998) and Benjamin (2000)

Posted by: Liza Q at octobre 3, 2003 05:49 PM

"I wonder if you found anything of value in the various GFI materials?"

Not really. There may be some helpful tips to glean (the "Interrupt Rule") but as one friend succinctly said it, "What's good in Ezzo is not unique, and what is unique is not good."

The blatant medical misinformation in the infant materials is the easiest thing to point out. However, I personally believe that the foundational problems in the programs' approach to the Bible and doctrine is even more harmful. These things come out even more in the materials for toddlers and older children.

Woven throughout the "Let the Children Come. . ." (ie, the re-packaged materials for church groups) is the comparing/contrasting of what Ezzo says is the "Biblical principles" vs. what he terms the "secular mystics." Ezzo emphasizes "parenting philosophy" to the extent that he is in effect saying "God's way or the highway"--only it's not God's way--it's Gary's way. Parents desiring to do the right thing are willing to accept many ideas packaged in those terms that would otherwise raise yellow flags.

And while I assume in Ezzo's pastoral training he studied hermeneutics, he is pretty sloppy about it in his parenting books. This is quite a problem, considering he claims to be teaching "Biblical principles" for parenting.

I do not know Ezzo's personal doctrinal beliefs. I believe that our doctrine does shape our practice. Ezzo and I see far different implications for parenting when it comes to total depravity, God's specific and common grace, our adoption as sons, and the place of children in the Covenant.

One of the most damaging things I've experienced is the way I subtly adopted an "us vs. them" mentality with my children. It wasn't a conscious choice--I love my children dearly--but it crept into my thinking through many of the assumtions made about children in the materials. Other parents who have deEzzo'd have told me the same thing. They are amazed at how strong a hold that insidious perception has had in their families.

"it did get me thinking about planning appropriate consequences vs. flying off the handle when irritated."

I think in this statement you hit on what is probably the most valuable part of the Ezzo materials--encouraging parents to think through what they do want their marriage and parenting to look like.

We all know some wonderful families that have used the Ezzo materials. Those who teach the classes are quick to give credit to the "principles" in the materials. I have a different take on it--I believe the success that is seen in these families is because they are highly dedicated parents, very loving, desiring to raise children to God's glory--and are willing to show their children a lot more grace than Ezzo recommends.

Btw, it's great to "meet" you Liza! I've seen your name before and wondered if we knew each other from else-web. . . It's hard for me to place names or faces outside where I usually expect to see them. *grin*

Posted by: The Duchess at octobre 4, 2003 01:46 AM

"Us vs. them" - yes, that's exactly it!!! I do struggle with those poisonous thoughts. I had never attributed it to the GFI materials we began using when our oldest was 9 months but...oh, I can really see this now. I stopped using/recommending the Ezzo's teachings a few years ago when I first read about his unrepentant behavior but you have challenged me to take a closer look at the doctrine/philosophy behind his teachings.

And, tell your friend that I will be quoting her on the uniqueness (is that a word?) of the Ezzo's teaching - very nicely put!

Perhaps we "know" each other from the WTM board? I don't recall a Duchess or an Alexandra, though.

Liza

Posted by: Liza Q at octobre 4, 2003 03:16 PM

No, I'm not a regular there, though I've visited once or twice. The web is such a small world in some ways.

It's helped me a lot to consciously adopting the attitude of, "We're on the same team!" Focusing on working together. Galatians 6:1-2 has really impacted me lately in this attitude area--correcting my sons with gentleness, bearing one another's burderns (their struggles to do the right thing, the temptations to sin) and watching out for my pride.

When I'm tired or stressed, though, it's much too easy to slide back into the "us vs. them" way of thinking.

And again, there are many wonderful families who have used Ezzo's materials. However, the more I talk with families who have used these materials, the more convinced I am that they really cause more harm than good. Any strength in the parent/child relationships is /in spite of/ the Ezzo materials, rather than because of them.

Posted by: The Duchess at octobre 4, 2003 03:29 PM

Bad Ezzo, bad!

Our daughters were demand-fed, a decade ago, and I think they are most courteous today. Ezzo is a Fordist, methinks.

Posted by: Gideon Strauss at octobre 4, 2003 04:30 PM

"We all know some wonderful families that have used the Ezzo materials. Those who teach the classes are quick to give credit to the "principles" in the materials. I have a different take on it--I believe the success that is seen in these families is because they are highly dedicated parents, very loving, desiring to raise children to God's glory--and are willing to show their children a lot more grace than Ezzo recommends."

I could not agree more. Very well said.

Posted by: Marsupial Mom at octobre 4, 2003 07:03 PM

I've never really had much experience with the Ezzo materials, or with people who have used them. What I've noticed, though, is that most of the defense you hear of them is something like, "Well, they're fine as long as you know what parts of them not to listen to."

So....if you already know what Gary Ezzo is right about and wrong about, why do you need Gary Ezzo? (Scratching head.)

Posted by: pentamom at octobre 5, 2003 12:52 AM

I think the Ezzos have an easy appeal with young parents because they want direction (and they hope Godly direction) so desperately. It's difficult to know how to "chew the meat and spit out the bones" when you don't know the difference between the meat and the bones. That's why I think it is dangerous for young parents to try to read the material even when they think they are doing so "with discernment." There are too many assertions that could be emotionally or medically dangerous for young parents to deal with wisely.

Posted by: swamphopper at octobre 5, 2003 07:14 AM

I'm would never defend the Ezzos personally; I've never read their books (I only read the section on scheduling), and I know that they have had a lot of problems with their church life, including an excommunication (if I heard correctly). That is very, very serious business.

Were any young mother-to-be to ask me today, however, I would say my best advice would be not to read any material (of course I'm not excluding the Bible!) (pro- or anti-scheduling, pro- or anti-breastfeeding, pro- or anti- footed pajamas) on how to raise their children until a particular situation arose that they needed to understand. Seek counsel from godly women in the church, but not from a printed page, removed from the flesh and blood of the struggle.

The most harmful material (psychologically and spiritually) that I did read when my daughter was young happened to be the breastfeeding/demand feeding sites that some well-intentioned women steered me to. Once that trial was past, though, I continued stumbling over material in every other conceivable area.

All the books and articles passed on to me, whether or not they were written with Christ in mind, served to do nothing but set up a law that, in a less confident state of mind, I would have tried to uphold my daughter to. I eventually "wised up" and realized she'd walk when God had ordained for her to walk, she'd sleep through the night when God ordained her to sleep through the night, and she'd potty-train when she was ready. If she had a fever and a runny nose, I would call a sister in Christ who had experience with nursing her children through a sickness.

More important than all that is that my daughter, and all covenant children, is an olive plant around the table, and that God has ordained praise from her lips. So she's not potty-trained yet. I don't care. What I do care about is that she can recite most of the Nicene Creed, and sings the Gloria Patri with all her might, and begs to sing "Holy, Holy" so she can sing "Merciful and mighty!" at the top of her lungs.

We are advancing the Kingdom. Whether our little ones are breast-fed or bottle fed, schedule-fed or demand-fed, potty trained at three weeks or three years, that is not the issue. The issue is that we love our children, and because they are covenant children, we are to train them up in the way of the Lord, and to teach them to fear Him. Always remembering their frame as the Lord remembers ours.

As a church we have a long way to go. God will surely preserve our little ones through our most well-intentioned mistakes if we are faithful to keep His covenant.

Posted by: Sarah at octobre 6, 2003 09:33 AM

Sarah,

"God will surely preserve our little ones through our most well-intentioned mistakes if we are faithful to keep His covenant."

I agree. *grin* And I believe God uses our mistakes to help form our children into the people He has created them to be. Not to excuse us of responsibility towards our children, but I am convinced that by His grace, God works these things for the good.

"Seek counsel from godly women in the church, but not from a printed page, removed from the flesh and blood of the struggle."

I also agree with you on this--a mother we know sharing her struggles and advice is far superior to any book. Sounds Titus twoish, even. *grin* However, I do believe books and articles can play a positive role--especially for those who are isolated with small children or lack a mothering and encouraging woman in her life. Wisdom can be passed on through print.

We've moved very frequently since marriage, and most of the moms I know and trust live far away. I've found online articles to be a tremendous encouragement--especially on "bad mommy days" when I need some perspective and inspiration.

The thing I've learned most about mothering the past 8 years? I should have listened to my own mother more! Honestly. I look back and realize I thought I listened to her, but so much went in one ear and out the other.

I know not everyone is blessed with a great mom, but she's the experienced mother I ask when I have questions and she's the reliable pray-er when the kids and I are struggling through something.

Posted by: The Duchess at octobre 11, 2003 03:57 AM

Good for you. It's a weird kind of fundamentalism Ezzo practices that demands bible verses to justify feeding a helpless infant when it's hungry.

Posted by: Russ at octobre 11, 2003 11:01 PM

The Abels, who were key in the leadership of GFI, have greatly expanded their public statements about the curriculum and organization. I find their summary to be very interesting.

If we could communicate anything with followers of GFI it would be to expose the fact that the primary emphasis in the GFI material is extra-biblical. Like many cults, GFI mentions the bible as its base however the accent in the teaching is not much more than the opinions of man.

Secondly, GFI diminishes the work of the Holy Spirit in their teaching. The GFI parenting formula neglects the Holy Spirit's influence in the life of the family and the personal life of each Christian parent. They promote a dependency on a system rather than on God. This is a neglectful aspect of the GFI teachings. We have found that parents sometimes still grope for answers because the program has never taught them to rely on the wisest counsel of all...the Holy Spirit.

I recommend reading the expanded statement here:
http://www.abelhome.com/GFI.htm

Posted by: The Duchess at octobre 12, 2003 07:09 PM